CDC Warning

Date:Wed, 30 Aug 2006 00:25:53 –0400
CDC WARNING

The Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a warning about a virulent new strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and is pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for four years.

Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: anti-social personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility or one's own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, and categorical all-or-nothing behavior.

Naturalists and clinical epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.

How original...

A racist senator from Virginia. How original. Who would have thought it possible?




RICHMOND, Aug. 15 -- Sen. George Allen on Tuesday sought to contain the political damage from remarks he made to a Fairfax County man that dredged up charges of racial insensitivity -- allegations that have dogged him for years as governor, senator and now presidential hopeful.

Despite a quick apology Monday, criticism poured in about Allen's use of the word "Macaca" to address a volunteer for the campaign of his Democratic opponent, James Webb, and also about another Allen comment, "Welcome to America." Democrats, left-wing bloggers and civil rights groups called him "insensitive" and "racist," while some conservatives called him "foolish" and "mean."

Full link: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/08/15/AR2006081501210.html

True or false?

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.


Do they look different in reverse?

***

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

A brick?

***

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation

Much worse than going blind!

***
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and "deflower" young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. The reason? Under Guam law, it's expressedly forbidden for virgins to marry.

Let's just think for a minute...is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?

***

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

Ah! Justice!
***

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England...but only in tropical fish stores.

I wonder how many tropical fish stores there are in Liverpool.
***

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

Makes one shudder at the thought.
***

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?
***

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

Is this a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam!

***

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

I should be a hell of a lot skinnier...

***

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

Is that why Flipper was always smiling?

***

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

From drinking little bottles of ... ??? Did the government pay for this research?
***

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Ah, geez.

***

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

I know some people like that.

***
Starfish don't have brains.

I know some people like that, too.

***

And, the best for last...

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!

The litany against fear

"I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."

The girls are at it again

>-----Original Message----->
From: America>
Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 9:00 AM>
To: Israel
>Subject: What part of “do as I say, not as I do” don’t you get?

Blowing up Lebanon? Did I not tell you I’d send some special forces your way to get your guys back? Did you not see Munich? What if I can get you the same guys that got Jessica Lynch out?

Dude, chill the fuck out. Call me on my cell. Stat. And Spielberg is on the way.

-America

P/S: Canada says you let your Ritalin prescription run out. Is that true?


>-----Original Message-----
>From: Israel
>Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 9:15AM
>To: America
>Bcc: Italy, Japan, UK, Germany, Canada,
>Subject: RE: What part of “do as I say, not as I do” don’t you get?

Oh, WhatEVER. I’ve got one word for you: Iraq.

I’ll call you in hell..

-Israel

PS: Tell Condi to lose my number. And ask her since when does sending a Vermont Teddy Bear work in quelling international firestorms??

>-----Original Message-----
>From: France
>Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 10:15AM
>To: Israel
>cc: America, Italy, Japan, Canada, Germany, UK
>Subject: Drama Queen!

I totally thought you were just drunk when you said you wanted to start World War III last weekend at Germany’s G8 bash. I mean you had like three bottles of Chardonnay! And you still owe me a pack of smokes btw (I thought you quit!)

Come to Paris. We’ll all shop, hang out, get a massage. We can work this out, no?

-France

>-----Original Message-----
>From: UK
>Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 10:25AM
>To: America, Italy, Japan, Canada, Germany, Israel, France
>Subject: RE: Drama Queen!

Just got off the phone with Lebanon. Said Hezbollah will give up the soldiers if Tom Cruise will appear on Oprah with baby Suri.

Weird, right? America, can you make this happen?

>-----Original Message-----
>From: America
>Sent: Friday, July 14, 2006 10:36 AM
>To: Italy, Japan, Canada, Germany, Israel, France, UK
>cc: Lebanon, Syria, Iran
>Subject: RE: Drama Queen!

God you guys! Why do I always have to be the one to settle things down? What are you going to do if I’m not around! LOL!

I’ll see what I can do. Another world crisis averted. Sigh.

Out in the Fields with God

The little cares that fretted me
I lost them yesterday
Among the fields, above the sea,
Among the winds at play,
Among the lowing of the herds,
The rustling of the trees,
Among the singing of the birds,
The humming of the bees.

The foolish fears of what might happen,
I cast them all away,
Among the clover-scented grass,
Among the new-mown hay,
Among the husking of the corn,
Where drowsy poppies nod,
Where ill thoughts die and good are born--
Out in the fields with God.

Coming to a state near you

A US jury decided he should not be executed. Instead he will serve his sentence in solitary confinement in a maximum security jail in Colorado.